RETURN IF POSSIBLE

“To live in hearts we leave behind is not to die”  - Thomas Campbell

Wouldn’t it be great if R.I.P stood for Return If Possible? For thy and a whole lot of people thy knoweth...this is the truth and nothing but it, like the hand on the bible. Because in all honesty, even though we know (or are told) that they are chilling in a better place, at the back of our minds we still wish they would come back and fill the empty gap that they created in our lives when God called them home. And stop the hurt.

Losing a loved one is just catastrophic on all levels dude. The pain is like none that you have ever experienced. It penetrates past your mind, beyond your heart and lingers deep within the borders of your soul. It’s like your whole being is suddenly thrown into a deep and dark perpetual pit of pain, your screams for help on mute. Overwhelming and surprising emotions like shock, anger and guilt consume and confuse you indefinitely...one minute you think you’ve got a handle on shit, and the next you’re going mental! And what’s worse...you don’t even know why it happened. It never makes any sense.

Death is a topic that we usually prefer to ignore, only to unearth from the depths of our subconscious minds when it catches up to someone we know – a parent, relative, friend etc… We become afraid when it hits close to home because no one ever expects its arrival.

I had a rather insightful conversation with a few friends over the weekend about loss and how to cope, especially with a parent’s death. One of them said: “Ro, nna I believe God would never take your parent away if he knew you wouldn’t be able to handle it. Of course no one ever wants to lose their parents, but there are people ba eleng gore if they lost a parent right now…ba ka tsenwa ba isiwa mental! I guess God could see that I wasn’t one of those people when my mom died.” 

Those words have been ringing in my head ever since...

My friend said those words with so much clarity and faith. I was reduced to nothing but admiration for her strength and courage. How could a young 20 something year old who has just buried her mother speak with such conviction? How was she not breaking down at the very thought of it? 

I have realised that a lot of the time, we doubt our own strength…its human nature. That is why God throws us curve balls in life, to show us that we’re actually stronger than we think. And the sooner you realise that, the more unbreakable you become. The conversation was quite deep and touchy, but it was a reaffirmation of what most of us already know…the Big Guy will never put you through anything that you cannot handle. What don’t kill you makes you stronger, right?

Evidently that nigga death operates on a sneaky level. He creeps into people’s homes like a thief at night and just snatches the promise of life away…swiftly and unexpectedly. I bet he sees no fun in knocking on the doors of those who are expecting him. Maybe that’s why it always seems like the good die young, or the good always go first. He would rather swipe the life of the 21 year old about to get a degree - with the promise of a full life, rather than the 85 year old preacher on his death bed singing praises to the Lord about going to heaven. Shock value – the more unexpected it is, the better it is for him. His signature is the date of death on every headstone. A slick reminder of how short this life is.

Honestly I don’t really know what the point of all that I just said is, so I don’t have one of those explosive conclusions that tug at your heart strings and confirm thy brilliance to you (but of course you’re already aware of the latter, that’s why you’re still reading this *wink*)

But I am hoping that someone reading this might relate and find a little comfort in my words…somehow.

Here’s some food for thought: Every human life is a story told by God. So when God eventually stops telling their story, would you choose to wallow in sadness forever because the story ended? Or would you rather (at some point) be glad that it was told and that you were a part of it? Think about it...

I mean, I doubt there is a universal skill on how to manage loss because no one reacts the same way to a situation, but I skim how you choose to mourn could make or break you. The healing process is painstakinlgy slow, as I’ve learnt, with more lows than highs. But hey, truth is you’ll never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.

R.I.P to the parents, brothers, sisters, relatives and friends that we lost...

***dedicated to all my friends who've lost those closest to their hearts***

MY MALE NOTES

A journey into the male mind by Bosa H.

What I didn't know, understand (and still don't) but LIVE BY:

1) He must feel that I choose to be with him. He is a want...not a need

2) No grey areas

Where he meets you actually does matter - You were dressed in a rather skimpy outfit at the club. Men are visual creatures so in their memory you remain ‘that hot girl at the club.’ A friend once said he is going to marry a girl he meets in a book store or something of the sort. Men almost always put women in two categories: “good time only” or “worthwhile”. Their good time only is like our friend zone - it’s a life sentence.

When he begs you to take him back - truth is, HE DONT WANT YOU BACK. He is just checking where he stands with you, net4 to boost his ego. He is trying to find out whether or not you still got feelings for him or maybe to see if he can still hit that. They keep their options open. Don’t allow yourself to be nice thinking you want to show him you’re not bitter, because to him all that means is “I have a chance to go back anytime I want to and you know it too.”

Pick your battles - A man makes a choice to go and be with someone else. See, you have no agreement with other girls not to take your man. Frankly they owe you nothing! You however have an agreement with your man, he has to stay faithful to you. Think about these contracts before you go lunging at people who owe you nothing you might even get beat up!

If a man could walk up to you and say, “Hi I am Jabulani and I think you are hot. Can I hit it when I am bored?” And then this line is preceded by a negotiation of some sort of schedule as to when to tap that, broken hearts would not need a place to go. Poor Whitney Houston died looking for that place. Instead he has to resort to flowers, candle lit dinner, massage and a bubble bath where he knows he is about to get his reward for ‘doing a good job'. Mind you he has no problem with charming you to get you in bed, and make you feel like he is the one. Men play the game women keep the score. This is because women need a reason to be intimate…men just need a place.

Women are habituated to giving themselves away. It’s seen in our constant need to look perfect. We are an ad campaign evolving everyday trying to get attention. Typical example is the television we watch - cooking channel, beauty and fashion etc. And men? Well men…watch the Discovery channel and talk about sports and cars. It has nothing to do with you.

Enjoy It While Its Still Hott!

Face drenched in mascara-filled tears, her mild sniffles turned her pretty yellow nose into a redish shade. She looks like an extreme makeover gone horribly wrong. Sitting at a table surrounded by her closest girlfriends, she narrates her story in between angry, tearful sighs. A glass of wine and a shot of tequila to calm her down. The girls listen to their friend attentively, faces coloured with concern... throwing in the occasional “yeah I know you what you mean” and “are you serious? that bustard!” She is a victim of a deadly phenomenon we all know as “friends with benefits.”

Fun, no-strings-attached, casual sex relationships are the order of today’s dating scene. They are not necessarily unhealthy, but they are not necessary either. In case you’ve been living under a rock, a friend with benefits is someone you do the do with, no strings attached like a cordless phone (J Cole)! No dates, no roses and no questions. The only knowledge required from you is purely carnal. You’re allowed to call at 2 am when the club closes, still loaded with alcohol in your system  to find out if they *hiccup* want to hook up. After all, the only thing that’s open at that time of night is a pair of legs!

There’s only two rules when it comes to these ‘phantom’ relationships:

Rule #1 - Do not develop feelings

Rule #2 - Remember rule number 1

Feelings are a disease that one must not catch if one wants to survive this game. Girls, being the emotional beings that they are, are unfortunately prone to this disease. They don’t fall...they plunge, aimlessly in that thing called love...without a damn parachute! The relationship then loses its worth, sending the guy packing. Emotional turmoil must be avoided at all costs - rule number 1!

Not all guys will run though. The smart ones stay and use this to their advantage. If he doesn’t run immediately then he is part of the dangerous breed...the type that know just how to get under a girl’s skin. He knows how to offer just enough of himself to keep the girl hooked, for months and sometimes even years at a time. He doesn’t really want the girl to stay, but doesn’t really want her to go. He doesn’t ever come out and say yes, but he also doesn’t ever say no. At this point the girl is left swimming in a perpetual state of grey.

That is why a lot of girls will agree with me when i say “friends with benefits” is a scam (as my girrl B! rightly calls it) cooked up by a secret cult of commitment-phobe men to get the nookie without the nuptials. They get to have their cake and eat it too! But hey, let’s not point fingers. Some women enjoy it too. But the whole thing is like communism though...good in theory, but a dismal failure in reality.

Anyway the point of it all is that casual nookie is like fresh milk – only good for a limited time and best enjoyed before its expiry date. It is like one of those fun tunes to hum along to for a while before the record starts skipping. Catching feelings from casual nookie is inevitable because the more time we spend with another person involved in intimacies, the more intimate we become regardless of our intentions. Which forces us to question if our intellect can indeed overrule our emotion. I seriously doubt it though. Because a lot of the time, matters of the heart short-circuit our ability to think rationally, leading us to engage in emotionally unhealthy behaviour. Raise your hand if you’re a girl and know just what i’m talking about!

I mean, for guys, sex is kinda like pizza. Even when it’s bad, it’s still pretty damn good. So they will never go hungry because there is no emotional attachment to a particular flavour. And nothing will stop him from trying out different flavours! Basically, nothing will make him stay with a girl if he doesn’t want to. So ladies, when you feel a case of the feelings coming on...RUN! It don’t matter if that guy can pluck at your heart strings with both hands tied behind his back – fact is, if he aint putting a ring on it then he don’t want it! 

Put on your best stilettos and start steppin lil mama. And fellas, don’t let her fall if you don’t plan on catching her...

When They Walk Out...Shut The Door Behind 'Em

Once, when I was going through a stormy period in my life, a good friend of mine said to me, “the thing with you Ro is that you feel too much”. And I sat there, dumbfounded thinking to myself what the fuck does that even mean?  Is that a good or bad thing?

Days later, still disturbed by those words, I decided to rephrase the term “feeling too much” and deem it being passionate. Yep, I’m passionate about everything I do. When I laugh, I laugh hard and when I cry, I cry equally hard. I allow myself to feel. But the mistake I (and I’m pretty sure a whole lot of other people) have made many a time though, is giving too much of myself away, and trusting too much…to the point where it becomes a flaw; a curse instead of a blessing. And the unfortunate thing with passion is that, once you’ve invested a lot of yourself in something or someone, having to let go comes with increased difficulty.

Lovers and friends for example...

Friends - More often than not, friendship breakups are more upsetting and confusing than romantic breakups because friends are expected to be there through ups and downs, smiles and frowns. And so when a good friendship ends, there is a void that only time can heal. Honestly, if a friend walks out of your life then he/she was never really a friend to begin with. Maybe the universe was showing you that, that person clearly was not meant to be a part of your life. True friends would never throw away your beautiful friendship.

Lovers - Well, whether it was some great love, or it was just “complicated”…if it’s ended then let it be. Just like with broken glass, you don’t want to cut yourself trying to put the pieces back together. It doesn't take rocket science to figure that one out, I mean isht ended for a reason! But what I’ve learnt though, about moving on is that in order to leave it, you have to first grieve it. Or to put it colorfully "take your heartbreak to dinner, allow yourself to heal…then leave it with the bill" (I read this somewhere). If you're smart, you'll get it.. 

But basically, you need to allow yourself to feel the sadness and all that soppy emotion...then be a man about it and suck it up! What’s done is done, you can’t erase it...so might as well face it. You're probably too phly for him/her anyway...so on to the next.

You are not broken because your heart is, and your worth did not walk away because they did.

You have to let go of what is NOT meant for you, to receive what IS. Let go of the old to receive the new.Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.

So i guess what I'm trying to say (500 words later) is that, saying goodbye is not always a bad thing. Many endings mark the start of beautiful beginnings. If someone walks away from your life it doesn't mean that they are a bad person, it just means that their part in your story is over. Turn the page. When you remove a weed (from your life), God will plant a seed. So the person stepping is simply creating space for bigger and better things in your life. Every hole in your heart is space for someone or something new and fabulous to enter. Once you've realized that...then you've found the good in goodbye!

Pick Your Man

This Puff n Pass comes with all the confidence in the world, undresses you with his eyes and you already feel like a sex object. Who is this guy that makes you feel so cheap? The last time you checked yourself out on any reflective surface, your crotch was nowhere in sight and the only twins in eyes’ range are the 2 nostrils of your round African nose! But for some reason this man sees u as a piece of meat n he wants just a bite! I’m sorry but I’m a full meal all the goodies and nutrients, ga ke short sepe! I am not a snack in between meals and I don’t come in bite size. My care label says “do not give to children under the age of 18”, yes u can’t handle this!!!

The hustler is in the building! Now this guy could be anywhere from a forest to masimo in freaking Mmathubudukwane but he is always in “the building”. The conversation with him, or rather, his meek attempt, at impressing you leaves you more confused than the idea of someone who still can’t buy clothing in his size. It is just too big!! You cringe every time he says “nah mean” because you have no idea why he is “BASICALLY OUTTA SCHOOL AND TRYNA PUSH A CAREER IN MUSIC.” Ke Mr. “I’m hustling some projects”. He says this and your first thought is he is probably a weed sales rep and you don’t want to be his down ass chick. I mean I don’t look like I’m trying to go to jail now am I?? He can barely walk because of these oversized pants and heavy Timberlands but he wants to step out into the world with you…uuhhhh ke sharp! I don’t want anybody bringing me down so I sure as hell ain’t tumbling down with you. Like I said, I hold my own. Now you can sea walk your way out of here. Call me when you’re the right size and can fit in my life as something more than a pest .Take your “straight cap” really ,it covers you like an umbrella protects you from all great advice.

Mr. Ambitious - Whistle! Whistle! Exse  baby! ao motho o montle! ao baby! At this point you know what is coming, an overly ambitious male .I give him a 10/10 for their confidence. He for some reason thinks his heavy African accent will somehow whale in a girl like you, like really whale - assuming you are a big catch that is! He truly believes in himself and that is a good thing right……… No matter how crazy you think he is, look straight into his eyes ,coz trust me, he knew he may not be of your standard but approached you any way. Ladies in those eyes, that’s the purest love you are ever going to see. It does not ask much of you, the person looking back at you has nothing to offer, but to love you with the little he has .Here is what you fail to see at this moment: a man with money does not love you by spoiling you rotten because he already has money and therefore he is not going the extra mile. But a poor man goes out of his way when he does something for you. It’s from the heart…… hai mare keng it’s more comfortable, not to mention easier, to cry in lush leather interiors of a range rover than on a bicycle! Mr. Confidence has great confidence to approach you but face it, you prefer having the 3 C’s ….than just a 10 for confidence.

Smooth Operator – If you’ve seen the series Single Ladies, you will know this man. He has that Malcolm smooth to him, that killer charm that will make a girl drop her pants on the first date. He comes up to you and you already want to sit up straight. You can’t help but change your demeanor. This is the only time a girl doesn’t want to be a le 14. You watch what you say and do around him. You have a constant need to prove your maturity. You become so self cautious – watching what you wear, order and say. Bo Mr. Smooth are usually the men with the messiest lives. His clean cut look is just a façade. He will fool you. For all you know he could be the father of his best friend’s kid. He does not let you in on his businesses. Could it be because Mr. Prim n Proper is up to his neck in illegal dealings or unimaginable corruption?

Pick your man……

My name is Bosa and I just let my mind wander...

From interesting careers that you didn’t even know about, inspirational women around us, to the type of guys that try and get with you…together you and I will engage in conversations regarding these issues and more.

This little space every month, (thanks to my girl Rori) will serve as a platform to get an insight on different matters of a common interest amongst ourselves; a way to exchange on a varied genre but not confining ourselves to a particular topic.